apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
