Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
a search helicopter?!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
