I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
