I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
