Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
