I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
