So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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