you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
