I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
