Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
