i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Randomize
