My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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