Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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