Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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