I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
