I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
