This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
