So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
