dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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