i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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