I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
