She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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