I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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