I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
