sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
