I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
