the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
