Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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