So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
