I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
