I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
