Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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