I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
