she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
