as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
