So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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