I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Found your dick twin last night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize