...so i touched it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
