We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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