I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
