it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
