He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
