Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
