shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I die, sorry about rent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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