She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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