Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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