Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
