How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
