god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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