Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
