i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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