his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
