Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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