I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
