Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
