i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
