it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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