just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
