I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want to be your penis for a week.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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