Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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