my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize