I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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