If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Come on in and take your pants off
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