you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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